OK, so I dabbled with writing this list a while ago whilst we waited to record our session at Maida Vale. It’s basically as if being in your band is a game and as you play the game at various milestones you get achievements that mark your progress. Some of them are essential for the story line, others are perhaps a bit more frivolous and there are one or two darker ones. I’m hoping to cover all bases and make it as realistic as possible to the Xbox achievement system. Here we go:

Xbox band achievement list (1000/1000)

Storyline achievements (330):
30 – Whole band assembled
30 – First song written
30 – First gig finished
30 – First demo cut
30 – First tour finished
30 – First full album completed
30 – Signed record deal
30 – First international gig (Wales doesn’t count)
30 – First world tour (more than two continents) finished
50 – Huge reunion gig freeze frame
10 – Complete story mode with two different bands

Sickening (60):
5 – Sick on stage
10 – Achieve 50 sick on stages
15 – Achieve 500 sick on stages
5 – Item of clothing completely wet
10 – Drop of sweat falls from ceiling onto band member
15 – Fall to floor having blacked out

Sexy (60):
5 – Member has sex due to being in band
10- Sex with a groupie
15 – Fathers/Mothers an illegitimate child with a groupie
5 – Full nudity on stage
10 – Whole band full nudity on stage
15 – Sexual act on stage

Wild (150):
5 – Crowd surf
10 – Achieve 50 crowd surfs
15 – Achieve 500 crowd surfs
5 – TV out the window
10 – Swearing at someone on television
15 – Being banned from a particular television or radio programme
5 – Member leaving due to musical differences
10 – Member leaving due to personal differences
5 – One member punches another member
10 – One member punches another member on stage
15 – A physical fight involving every member of the band
20 – A physical fight involving ever member of the band on stage
10 – 50 punches thrown
15 – 500 punches thrown

Media (190):
15 – Gig at Wembley stadium
5 – Songs on Spotify
10 – Songs on BBC radio
15 – Session at Maida Vale
20 – Member of band on Desert Island Discs
5 – 4th full album
10 – 10th full album
5 – One member in feature length film
10 – Whole band performance on national television or feature length film
15 – Jools Holland has a chat at a piano
5 – First zine review
10 – First national newspaper review
15 – Time person of the year
5 – First footage on youtube
10 – A video reaches 1000 views
15 – A video reaches 50,000 views
20 – A video reaches 1,000,000 views

Resourceful (140):
5 – Car/Van/bus breaks down
10 – Bought own van
5 – Used spare spare guitar
10 – Used spare spare spare guitar
10 – Ending a tour with a profit
10 – Split/collaboration with another band/artist
5 – First t-shirts
10 – Unorthodox merch (anything other than music, t-shirts, posters, stickers or badges)
15 – Someone bootlegs your merch (music doesn’t count)
5 – Sponsorship/endorsement
10 – All members live off the band
15 – A member leaves the country for tax reasons
5 – First beer rider
10 – Individual food orders on the rider
15 – A bowl of single colour M&Ms

Morbid (40):
20 – Death of a fan at a show
20 – Death of a band member

Too big (30):
5 – Someone outside the band torrents your music
10 – Someone covers your song
15 – Tribute act of the band

Smokey Bastard score – 370

At the moment it is simply a boring list where you have to add up your number by yourself with a computer, or perhaps a CALCULATOR if you are old skool. The idea was eventually to have it as some type of check box system that you can submit and it’ll tell you your band’s score straight away. If you know how to do this quickly and effectively, let us know, we would be very grateful.

Take heed:
The score is not supposed to be any representation of the popularity of the band, more a rating of how the band is conforming to a lot of peoples ideals of how a band should be. That being said if you want to submit your band’s score we’ll happily include it at the end of this list.

Enjoy!
- Mike

LEADERBOARD:
Sonic Boom Six – 535
Random Hand – 530
Lightyear – 530
Mr. Shiraz – 500
New Town Kings – 435
The Lock Up – 275
Eat Defeat – 265